no name #1

4:30 on a thursday afternoon

it feels hard to write about what feels like a crowded memory, or loss, or fear

i read my sisters old blog posts and it feels like my heart got burnt or frozen or twisted or all three

i love them,

maybe i’m too much of a narcissist to realize i’ve been living the the first decade and a half of life in my own head

i’m starting to get it

it hurts so bad but theres no turning back and these new shoes and egos are starting to cut off my circulation

so take me out or push me away or take me back or don’t

i feel stuck

i want to go back to my old life, where it seemed like i could see better in the dark.

i want to hide behind the couch again,

i want to drop my bike on the side of the road and knock on that red door

i want to hide from my dad as he plays the guitar and sings songs that are now the only songs that feel right to listen too

i cant seem to stop these growing pains from scaring no matter how many words i rub into my skin

maybe i need to leave myself alone